


Secret (비사)

by IAmNotGoodatthisnamingthing



Series: midnight blues and gilded hues [5]
Category: VIXX
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, insa fic collab, tw:this alludes to mental health issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:53:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25002703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IAmNotGoodatthisnamingthing/pseuds/IAmNotGoodatthisnamingthing
Summary: “I was feeling like a failure,” Wonshik says. “My brain decided to goad me into feeling wronged and pathetic. And that notched up my anxiety, which then spiralled into an episode."“How bad was it this time?” Jaehwan asks, softly but not timidly.“About the usual,” Wonshik shrugs, knowing that Jaehwan, who’s been his partner and close confidant for the past 4 years, would understand.
Relationships: Kim Wonshik | Ravi/Lee Jaehwan | Ken
Series: midnight blues and gilded hues [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1795519
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8
Collections: Insa Fic Collab





	Secret (비사)

**Author's Note:**

> Song Inspiration: So Romantic x Home Alone
> 
> **THIS PIECE MAKES ALLUDES TO MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES, INCLUDING AN ANXIETY ATTACK**  
> Please don't proceed with reading if that makes you uncomfortable

Wonshik is awakened by the gentle brushing of fingers through his hair. Even muddled as he is, while still mostly asleep, he recognizes the careful touch that has now moved to caress his face.

“Hey,” he says groggily, eyes stubbornly shut.

“Hi baby,” his boyfriend’s mellifluous voice floats from somewhere above his head. “How long have you been sleeping?”

“’time is it?” Wonshik asks, battling between waking up and going back to sleep.

“Time for you to go back to sleep,” his boyfriend says, leaning down to gently press his lips on one of Wonshik’s eyelids.

“Stay,” Wonshik pleads, already drifting back into dreamland.

“I’ll be here when you wake up. Promise,” are the last words he hears before he goes unconscious.

  
  


The next time Wonshik wakes up is due to a crick in his neck that’s becoming more painful by the second.

He groans, lifting his head from his pillow and rolling to the edge of his bed, clutching at his neck.

A lilting laugh follows his movement, and immediately Wonshik flips around, sore neck be damned.

“Jaehwan?” he asks incredulously.

“Finally decided to brave the land of the living?” Jaehwan teases, shutting the book he had been reading.

“When did you get here? How long have I been asleep?” Wonshik asks, sitting up and sitting cross legged.

“I got here around 3, I think?” Jaehwan says, leaning away from the headboard. “It’s 11 now, so you’ve been sleeping a while. You should probably hydrate,” he finishes, casually tossing his purple hydroflask Wonshik’s way.

Wonshik obediently uncapping the bottle and swigs straight from it, mind trying to catch up to reality, to the fact that Jaehwan was here, that he-

“Wait a minute,” Wonshik says, closing the lid of the bottle and narrowing his eyes at his boyfriend. “Aren’t you supposed to be cramming for some exam?”

“I was,” Jaehwan scoffs, staring at him balefully. “Is that why you didn’t contact me?”

“I didn’t want to disturb you,” Wonshik drops his eyes down to the bedsheets, unable to bear the hurt in Jaehwan’s eyes. “You said you wanted to concentrate on your studies, so I didn’t wanna bother you.”

“Wonshikkie,” Jaehwan sighs, mostly unhappily. “My studies are important. But so are you. So is your wellbeing. I shouldn’t have to find out from a text message from your co-worker that you’re not doing well.”

“I’m sorry,” Wonshik says, feeling small.

Jaehwan sighs before closing the gap between them and gathering Wonshik in his embrace. 

They’ve been together long enough to have developed a rhythm of dropping into a hug, maneuvering limbs and torso automatically into fitting together. And so, Wonshik melts into their hug, fitting his nose into the juncture of Jaehwan’s neck and shoulder, and breathing in his familiar citrusy scent.

“I’m sorry,” he says again, pressing a kiss against the collar of Jaehwan’s hoodie before pressing his head against Jaehwan’s chest.

“Wonshikkie, I’m not mad,” Jaehwan says, his voice vibrating pleasantly against Wonshik’s eardrum. “I was just worried. I can’t help it, you know? I love you.”

“I know,” Wonshik says truthfully, wishing he could put into words how brighter and more bearable his days became thanks to Jaehwan’s adoration.

“Good,” Jaehwan mumbles, tightening his hold around Wonshik, before pulling their bodies down to the bed. Wonshik goes willingly, sprawling over him, all his senses pleasantly filled with  _ Jaehwan, Jaehwan, Jaehwan _ .

He is contemplating another nap when he feels a poke to his side.

“Don’t you dare go to sleep again,” Jaehwan says, pushing at his shoulder. “You need to eat,” he pauses to sniff the air. “And shower. Yeah, you definitely need to shower.”

Wonshik groans pathetically, rolling away from his boyfriend. “Do I have to?” he asks, extending his hand across the bed.

“You definitely do,” Jaehwan replies, slapping his hand away instead of holding it, like Wonshik had hoped for. 

“Up!” Jaehwan commands, standing up and slipping into his house shoes. “Go take a shower. I’ll heat up something.”

Even Wonshik’s best pout isn’t enough to sway Jaehwan’s resolve, and so off he goes to shower. He’s drying his hair when he realises with a jolt that Jaehwan promised to heat some food, which means Jaehwan is in his kitchen, possibly rummaging through his fridge, which means Jaehwan will know by now that everything in his fridge amounts to two bottles of water, a container of yoghurt and the kimchi his mother left back in May. 

  
  
  


_ Oh no _ , Wonshik thinks, quickly shrugging on his clothes and walking towards the kitchen.

“Jaehwan-ah,” he begins, ready to slip into explanations (read: _ excuses _ ), but is brought up short by the sight of Jaehwan sitting at the counter, a plate of fried rice placed in front of him.

“I got you some food when I came, thought your fridge might be empty,” Jaehwan shrugs. 

“I-,” Wonshik shakes his head, wondering how to frame his words, before realizing that  _ this  _ is Jaehwan - who has seen him at even worse, and doesn’t need for Wonshik to mince his words. “I wasn’t home much and when I was, I wasn’t really feeling upto eating, this past few days,” he says instead, dropping to his regular seat beside Jaehwan.

“That’s okay,” Jaehwan says noncommittally, pushing the plate towards him. “But you need to eat now, okay?”

“Yes, love.” Wonshik smiles, picking up his fork for the first time in almost a week.

  
  
  


It had all started going downhill ten days ago. 

The music company where Wonshik works as a senior producer, had rejected three of his tracks and asked him to rework two others, in short making all his creative efforts over the last month seem in vain. 

And instead of decompressing in a healthy manner, Wonshik had taken his dejection and frustration and locked himself up in his studio, skipping meals and sleep, and uninspiredly kept working at the tracks on and on and on until he had felt empty and burnt out and near tears. 

He’d fled his studio two days ago, with the lid on his emotions barely sealed shut, and returned to his empty apartment, and cried himself in a trembling mess until he felt close to catatonia. Instead of reaching out to his close friends (and Jaehwan) for support, he’d taken two straight days of leave and turned off his phone, unable and unwilling to face the world for some time. 

He supposes Taekwoon, his colleague and close collaborator, must have tattled to Jaehwan, after being unable to get a hold of him. And now here Jaehwan was, sitting patiently and watching him slowly chew each bite of rice for over a minute.

  
  
  


“I filled your fridge with some groceries, and a few pre-cooked options,” Jaehwan says, when Wonshik starts toying with his food instead of eating it. “And I changed your sheets when you were in the shower.”

“Jaehwan-ah, you don’t need to,” Wonshik says, feeling embarrassed and pathetic. He’s an adult, he should be doing these things by himself.  _ God, how irresponsible must Jaehwan think he is? _

“I know I don’t need to,” Jaehwan acquiesces with a nod. “But I want to. We all need a little help sometimes, and I want to be always here for you, especially through your lowest moments.”

Wonshik feels touched, and can do nothing but gape at Jaehwan for a while. Then, he reaches out his hands towards Jaehwan, and this time, Jaehwan takes it, threading their fingers together and squeezing gently.

_ I love you _ , Wonshik tries to convey through his eyes.  _ Even when I barely feel functional, I love you _ . 

Jaehwan must understand, because his plush lips break into a soft smile. The peace lasts just a moment before Jaehwan’s nagging at Wonshik to eat more. 

Wonshik tries to comply, but has to give up after three more bites, unable to eat anymore after having not eaten for so long. He says as much to Jaehwan, whose lips momentarily turn downward before he’s directing Wonshik towards the living room.

“Won’t you come join me?” Wonshik asks, hovering at the doorway of the kitchen.

“As soon as I’ve washed up your utensils,” Jaehwan confirms, sparing him only a glance before going back to packing the rest (and majority) of Wonshik’s meal into a reheatable box for later.

Wonshik hesitates a moment before he’s walking towards the sink and picking up his plate, ready to wash. Jaehwan tuts at him, but allows him to be, opting to putter around the kitchen and make some tea.

  
  
  


“I was feeling like a failure,” Wonshik begins after a while, keeping his eyes fixed on where he’s drying his plate. “The company basically rejected everything I had worked on for the last few weeks, and instead of taking the criticism constructively, my brain decided to goad me into feeling wronged and pathetic. And that notched up my anxiety, which then spiralled into an episode,” Wonshik finishes.

“How bad was it this time?” Jaehwan asks, softly but not timidly. In moments like this he’s always been gentle with Wonshik, but never coddling (and Wonshik appreciates the hell out of that). 

“About the usual,” Wonshik shrugs, knowing that Jaehwan, who’s been his partner and close confidant for the past 4 years, would understand. 

  
  
  


Their story was as cliched as any romantic movie. Wonshik had been busy storyboarding for a song in a random cafe when the server bringing him coffee had tripped and spewed the liquid all over him. The server had apologized profusely, but Wonshik had been unable to respond, dumbstruck by the beauty of the guy’s face. 

He’d blurted out something along the lines of ‘did you just fall for me’ which the server - Jaehwan - had found funny enough to agree to go on a movie date with him. One date had led to another and then more, and they’d begun a relationship just three weeks after meeting. 

They had been there for each other through all major life events, including Jaehwan’s graduation and subsequent enrolment into a Master’s programme, Wonshik getting two tattoos, Jaehwan coming out to his family (and surprising literally no one), and of course, the death of Wonshik’s childhood pet and what had been the spiral into the lowest moment of his life (and pushed Jaehwan into coaxing him to get professional help). 

They’d supported each other through everything, and had promised to reach out if things every got too hard (which was more for Wonshik’s sake than Jaehwan’s), and here Wonshik was... _ breaking that trust _ .

  
  


“I wish you had called me, or any of our other friends. I don’t like the thought of you suffering alone and feeling so isolated,” Jaehwan sighs, in the present. “But I also understand it gets difficult to think beyond the immediate pain when you’re having an anxiety episode.”

“I should have recognized the signs, and reached out,” Wonshik allows, knowing that any of his closest friends would have let him vent and helped him calm down. “But I think I needed to recover by myself, too.”

“You cried,” Jaehwan states.

“I did,” Wonshik admits. “Pretty badly, but I feel better now.”

“Your eyes were really swollen when I got here,” Jaehwan comments, squeezing the round of Wonshik’s shoulder when he reaches past him to retrieve their mugs.

“Is that you stocked my bedside table with three water bottles?” Wonshik asks teasingly.

“Only one was for you to drink,” Jaehwan says airily. “I got the other two to douse over your head if you wouldn’t have woken up in another hour.”

“Good thing that I did wake up before then,” Wonshik laughs, recognizing the feeling spreading through him both joy and relief.  _ He thinks he’s ready to begin working up to facing the world again _ . 

  
  
  


Something must show on his face because Jaehwan leans into his space and slots a kiss against his earlobe before fleeting away towards the whistling kettle.

“How’s your study going?” Wonshik asks, angling his body towards his boyfriend after storing away his utensils. 

“Miserably,” Jaehwan says distractedly, busy spooning sugar into their mugs. “I think I’m going to fail.”

“You’re not,” Wonshik says immediately. Loyally.

Jaehwan scoffs. “I’m not even halfway done with my thesis, and I’m never going to score the required A- on my written, and my oral will definitely suck, and I’m so going to fail,” Jaehwan laments. “And then no one will hire me and I’ll never be a teacher like I want to be.”

“You’ll do fine, love.” Wonshik says, walking up to Jaehwan and circling hands around his waist. “You told me your professor loved your thesis idea, and you’ll pull through in the written, I’m sure. Besides,” Wonshik pauses, leaning closer to whisper his next words right into Jaehwan’s ears. “You’re pretty good at oral, I can vouch for that.”

The elbow Jaehwan digs into his stomach is wholly expected, and Wonshik suppresses a smile as Jaehwan rants at him about shamelessness. He lets Jaehwan scold him for a good two minutes before closing the gap between them and capturing his lips in a kiss.

Jaehwan puts up a token amount of resistance before kissing back, torn between being (mock) angry and kissing the boyfriend who he’d not seen in almost a month. 

The kiss stays languid and slow, and it’s a good couple of minutes before Wonshik pulls back and gathers Jaehwan in his arms, swaying their bodies side to side in silence.

  
  
  


“I’m glad you’re here,” he says, pressing his nose in Jaehwan’s hair.

“I love you,” Jaehwan replies, his words both a benediction and a promise. “Now go to the den and put on one of those crappy movies you’re so fond of. I’ll bring the tea.” 

Wonshik does as asked, and puts on one of the badly dubbed old-timey comedy movies that no one (and their grandmas, Jongin always insisted) could sanely like.

Jaehwan follows him a few minutes later and pushes a cup of tea into Wonshik’s hand before sliding open his cell phone, armed and ready to not subject himself to Wonshik’s eccentric taste in film.

Wonshik murmurs a thanks, eyes fixed on the screen, before raising the mug to his mouth. He almost spits out his first mouthful upon tasting the bitter concoction Jaehwan has handed to him. “The fuck is this?” Wonshik asks, sniffing distrustfully at the innocuous looking drink. 

Jaehwan giggles at the aghast look on his face. “Mom’s fortune teller scammed her into buying some herbal crap, and she couldn’t bear drinking it so she gave it to me, and as your boyfriend who cares about your health, I felt it was my duty to help nurse you back to health with this nutritious herbal tea.”

“You’re so romantic,” Wonshik says sarcastically, placing the teacup on the table and sliding it away.

“Just wanted to see your reaction,” Jaehwan shakes his head, still smiling. “Here,” he says, handing another cup, which he had kept hidden on his side, to Wonshik. “This is regular tea. I’ll drink it too, if you want.”

“That’s fine, I’ll trust you,” Wonshik says, snatching at the cup and gurgling the taste of the herbal crap away with his regular tea.

Jaehwan ruffles his hair before going back to his phone, and Wonshik goes back to his film, now warmed by the tea and the comforting weight of his boyfriend along the left side of his body.

  
  
  


“We should go on a holiday when you’re done with exams,” he says, after a while, not needing to look at Jaehwan with his senses so full of him. 

“Mom invited us to spend a few days at the farmhouse,” Jaehwan shares. “We could spend two days with the parents before heading down to the sea for a couple more days.”

“That sounds nice. I’ll apply for my annual leave,” Wonshik nods, making a mental note. “I’m tired of being busy and missing you all the time.”

“I’ll probably have to pick up a couple of overtime shifts at the library to get time off,” Jaehwan sighs, thinking of the wheedling he’d have to do to get time off from the library, where he was now working part-time. “I know we’re both busy, but sometimes I can’t help but resent the time we don’t get to spend together. That sounds horrible, doesn’t it?”

“I can’t judge that unbiasedly because I honestly feel the same,” Wonshik shrugs. “Like, I don’t resent you for being busy, but I resent the things that keep you busy, which sounds insane because I am also so perpetually busy.”

“In your case, it’s because you’re a workaholic with a perfectionist streak,” Jaehwan teases. “Don’t compare yourself to me, I’m a broke, scholarship student.”

“And why do you think you’re broke?” Wonshik pokes at his side, leaning closer when Jaehwan shifts away. “Is it because of the designer shirts you keep on buying, or the figurines you keep express mail-ing to your baby brother back home?”

“Keep Hyukie out of your accusations, or I’ll ask him to come down and beat you up,” Jaehwan threatens playfully, wiggling a finger in Wonshik’s direction. 

“God forbid,” Wonshik mocks. “Besides, he likes me more than you. Something about you being a helicopter parent, even remotely.”

“I am no such thing!” Jaehwan insists, looking offended.

“Then tell me that you’re not stalking his social media right now,” Wonshik rebuts, smirking when the tips of Jaehwan’s ear turn pink.

“Lay off me and go back to your crappy film,” Jaehwan says finally, scowling as he goes back to his phone, pointedly turning the screen away from Wonshik.

“You’re cute,” Wonshik chuckles, shifting closer to plant his head in Jaehwan’s lap. “I love you.”

“I love you too, you sap,” Jaehwan says, beginning to brush his fingers through Wonshik’s hair.

His drive and dreams and passion seem to reassemble again, now that he is not alone, but cocooned in all that’s Jaehwan. 

And just like that, Wonshik falls asleep, comfortable and safe in the presence of his love, already on his way back to feeling okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Let me know what you think~


End file.
